What I am about to share may not be popular or what I “should” say or feel but I don’t care. I can’t be the only one who has had these feelings. Through years of struggling to get pregnant, countless surgeries, and more mental pain then I can begin to explain this is one of the most amazing times in my life. That doesn’t mean that it hasn’t come with it’s own set of struggles.
I have felt like due to this I wasn’t allowed to complain or have negative thoughts, my husband told me that wasn’t true, that after all of it I could complain all I wanted. I appreciate that since he gets the brunt of it. However I am still very self conscious.
The weight gain has been something very difficult for me to handle. I absolutely love my belly and the way it is growing and changing. However it isn’t the only thing getting bigger! My legs have really grown and it’s just been hard for me to deal with. The number on the scale at each appointment gives me more anxiety and stress. The doctors say the number is just fine and I look great. That isn’t what this is about, I don’t need other people to tell me I look great. It’s about me and how I feel and unfortunately it’s been so hard for me and something I wasn’t ready for.
I am very thankful to work from home during this because when I do leave the house, even if it’s just for a walk, I get very nervous and anxious about finding something to wear. I need something that is comfortable, fits, doesn’t make me look wide, keeps my bell covered, breathes and so much more. Looking in my closet is such a difficult experience. I normally just wear the same couple pairs of shorts and few tank tops or t shirts. When I do go out there are normally tears and about 100 outfit changes but I do still go out so that is a positive.
This pregnancy is truly a miracle and feeling her move and grow is amazing. I am very thankful she is healthy and will be here so soon but until then I am having a hard time. I am dealing with it each day and trying my best to stay healthy and be confident in who I am. This is the journey I am on and it’s ok that I have hard days and that I feel this way. It’s also ok if you have been there too.
So to go back to the beginning of this baby’s journey….I shared with you in January I was having surgery to remove my Fallopian tubes after they were too damaged from Endometriosis. My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) was confident this would make the change we needed to carry our child. I was terrified because to conceive naturally you must have these tubes, this would take away any slim chance I had to conceive on our own. With my husbands support everything with the surgery went well and as of January 25 I was diagnosed sterile.
After recovering from surgery we were able to start the medication to prepare for an embryo transfer on February 14. Valentine’s day is my favorite holiday so I thought this was a great sign. We transferred our embryo on March 7 and this is a day I will never forget. It was very different then the last transfer we did (that was not successful). We were both much calmer, we were laughing in the room waiting for our procedure and the staff made us stay calm and were so excited. During the procedure I squeezed my husbands hand so hard and he was telling jokes (if you know him this is all he does) I was laughing and the doctor was also.
We could see our embryo before it was placed in the needle and could see it was already hatching out of the shell which was an amazing sign. During the first transfer I shook uncontrollably the entire time from nerves and this time I didn’t. Which made me feel so much better. It is so amazing to be able to have your partner in the room with you and we were able to see the embryo being placed into my uterus.
The next 10 days are the hardest! We didn’t take any tests at all during this time, some people do, but we wanted to wait for the definitive blood test done at the RE’s office. After the blood test I did do an at home test and it was the first time I had ever seen a positive result. I was elated and immediately called my husband at work!
If you follow me on social media you know I have some news and that is why I haven’t been posting recently. I am very excited to say that after 6+ years, many surgeries, medications, countless tests and too many shots to count we are expecting our first child! I cannot explain how amazing this is and how literally since the news it has changed me in so many ways.
I was so extremely excited but after about five minutes I was overcome with fear. Fear of what would happen next, would I be able to carry the baby long enough to birth a sweet new baby? I still have this sense of fear that can be debilitating at times. After everything we have gone through I am almost waiting for the bad news. We are now in our second trimester and all the test have shown a healthy baby. I could not be more grateful to the team of doctors who have gotten me to this point and who will continue to care for us through the next months and years to come.
Over the next months I will continue to share our journey and I will go back to the beginning and share how it all started and when we did our embryo transfer. I have enjoyed sharing our fertility struggles and all the questions I get. So many people have struggles and getting through it is scary and lonely.
I am so happy to share with you and feel free to ask questions.